i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
