I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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