You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize