We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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