hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize