I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
