the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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