What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
