Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
