it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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