you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
