I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
