Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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