I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
