we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
