I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
