6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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