I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
