Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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