I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
