Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It's just like the Real World with babies
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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