lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
