My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
