I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
