You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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