can u get pink eye on your cock?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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