Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
