Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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