New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
