You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
