just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
