i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
