I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
