I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
