I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
