There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
