Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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