This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
