make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
