I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
