After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
