dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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