what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
