Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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