Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
