Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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