I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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