I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
