I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
