I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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