Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize