how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I did not marry a roomba.
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