i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
