he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
