We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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