12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize