Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
