I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
