she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
